Monday, January 31, 2011

Give 'Em Hell, Malone (Russell Mulcahy, 2009)

The kind of terrible, adolescent noir worship that is completely indefensible. Makes Brick look good. There's almost not enough bad things to say about this movie, but I guess the worst would be that it was somehow not made by rich 19-year-olds. If it had it might somehow be understandable. But this movie cost 15 million dollars. And stars Thomas Jane and Ving Rhames. Granted neither of these actors are at career high points, but were there any meetings between agents? Did people show them the script and say, "This will be good for your career." Are they that desperate for money? I have no idea of the inner machinations, but, thankfully, the world-at-large and I are, for once, in complete agreement. This movie was straight to DVD. That doesn't change the disappointment that comes from knowing it was made at all, but I'll admit it helps.

The mad scientists at the script lab came up with this noir style/dialogue/attitude fused with typical hitman action movie plot in which none of it works. Jane has never been more wooden, the girl he spends most of the movie "bantering" with is neither sultry nor badass nor compelling and the only guy who seems to have anything close to a pulse is French Stewart. I am wasting time and words writing about this movie -- a movie no one reading this would ever even contemplate watching, probably, but I watched the whole thing so here I go.

Or there I went. I guess I'm done, except for the part where an old dude hits on an Asian schoolgirl and she gives him a razor blade BJ as a way of killing him. Given the rest of the scene, it wasn't even necessary that he die, or that she take the time to get him into a room, take his pants down and momentarily have his penis in her mouth before he bled to death. I guess it shows how crazy and hardcore a villain she is, but, uh, she could've just shot him.

The whole movie is like that. Gratuity of the ickiest, most unpleasant variety.

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